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"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it."
 
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Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
 
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Nurse: "Sir, Your Wife's Phone"
Doctor: "What's The Matter?"
Nurse: "She Wants To Kiss You"
Doctor: "I'm Busy, You Take Her Kiss & Give Me
 
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Boy: "You Look Like My Wife" Girl (Surprisingly): "Oh Really Hows Nice, What Is Your Wife’s Name?" Boy: "I Am Not Yet Married"
 
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I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
 
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Teacher: How much is a gram? Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need
 
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I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Fridays.”
 
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Why did two 4s skip dinner? Because they already 8!
 
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I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
 
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
 
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"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
 
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Someone stole my Mood ring. I dont Know how I feel about that.

 
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You know, it was so cold yesterday, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
 
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My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

 
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What dress a house wear?

Address!
 
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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
 
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What does a house wear?
Address!
 
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"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
 
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

 
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!"

"Don’t worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
 
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