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I'm not poisonous
"I hope I'm not poisonous," says the first snake.

Why? asks the second snake.

Because I just bit my lip.

 
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Intelligence come from
A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied...

'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.

 
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dead bird
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
One of them looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

 
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Lawyer
Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.

Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"

Lawyer: "You're right -- mine.

 
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Frog Meets young girl
A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.

The fortune teller says, "Yes, you are."

The frog replies, "Where? In a pub or at a party?"

The fortune teller says, "In biology class."
 
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Thermometer say to graduate Cylinder
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated but I've got more degrees".
 
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Call for backup
A police recruit was asked during the exam,

"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."
 
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This is her husband!
A man speaks frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 
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what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?
A little boy was taken to the dentist.

It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.

Asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

"Chocolate please," replied the youngster.
 
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Love After Marriage Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
 
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where the question paper is leaking
Once Professor asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
 
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Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


 
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.



 
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Exactly what's my problem,

Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water
when you get up. Take the blue pill with 2 glasses
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another glass of water."

Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"

Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."
 
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"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him,

"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,

"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.Peter says...

'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
 
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idiots, will they please stand up
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"

Inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
 
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Profession Used in Bible First
Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible.

The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve.

The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos.

The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning?
 
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Q: What book do women like the most? A: "Their husbands checkbook!"


 
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Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks" Mom: M.O.M stands for?"
Does it look like I am Made Of Money Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"



 
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"change"
Q: When does it rain money? A: When there is "change" in the weather.



 
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