Free Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place -- you either married it or gave birth to it!
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Whose Mom
Husband: Mom called me and she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by 4 O' Clock.
Wife: She came just four months back only,right? Why she is Coming now again?? Tomorrow is sunday I thought of getting up late but your mom had to come on a sunday itself and that too morning 4 O'clock .Where will she get an auto at that time?
Husband:Not my mom,your mom is coming
Wife: Wow Mom is coming, It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na,I have the number of the auto driver please call him and tell to come in time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is sunday,even the kids will be at home as they don't have school. They can play with their grandmother.
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Would you let her
Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again?
Husband: No dear.
Wife: I'm sure you would.
Annoyed husband: Okay, I would.
Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
Husband: Ya, I guess so.
Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes.
Husband: No, she is taller than you.
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Is it sun or moon?
Drunk man in a bar points towards sky and asks another drunk: Is it sun or moon?
Other drunk replied: I can't say what it is, because I am also new in the town.
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Good Treatment
Patient: Doctor, I don't remember anything, sometimes on road I even forget if I am going to office from home or going back to home from office.
Doctor: In such a condition, you should check your tiffin. If it is empty then you are going to home, if it is full, you are going to office.
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Guess why?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Happiest Day of Your Life
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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Doctor Report
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
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How Old
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
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Good News
The doctor took his patient into his office and said"I have some good news and some bad news".
The patient said"Give me the Good news".
The Doctor said,"They're going to name a disease after you"
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Wife Tracer
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"you know,I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Life Saving Discovery
Chemistry Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life. It was discovered in 1773.
Chemistry Student: Thank God ! I was born after that otherwise, I would have without it.
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Scare Parents
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Populatin Growth
A Teacher lecturing on population -
In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
Student: stands up and says " we must find & stop her!".
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Salary Increment
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
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Tech Support
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute I hadn't inserted it yet it's still on my desk Sorry .
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Drunk Rabbit
A drunk rabbit goes through a wood.
He bumps into a tree, and says,
"Oh, i'm sorry".
He goes farther, and bumps into another tree, and says,
"I'm sorry i'm sorry "
Then he sits on the ground and says to himself
"I better sit here a moment and wait till those fools pass by "
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Password
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech Support
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
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I am not blind
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
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