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Fishing Affair


'Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.

'Why shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' comments Myra. 'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'
 
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No trouble with discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

 
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Laws which Mr. Newton forgot to state

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!




 
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Why to be quiet in church?
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "and why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because we must not disturb people while sleeping."
 
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The Most Evil Thing

"Cash, check or card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No" she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
 
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Bad Luck

Steve: I have had bad luck with my both wives.

Angelina: How come?

Steve: The first wife left me and second one didn't!
 
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Diehard habits

A young woman who was worried about
her habit of biting her fingernails
was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga
had totally cured her nervousness.

'No,' she replied, '
but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead


 
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It's all in the Spirit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

 
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Taking Lessons

A boy inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

 
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Payback Time


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.



How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days? To which he replied. That would be fine with me.



Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


 
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Good News


The doctor took his patient into the room and said, I have some good news and some bad news.


The patient said, Give me the good news.


They're going to name a disease after you.

 
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Collision Buddy

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at on a narrow Scottish road.

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whisky.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

 
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Get a lawyer
One day a nam goes down to Hell. When he gets there he asks "Why is the place on fire?"
The devil answers "Because it's hell"
"It doesnt have to be like this," said the man. He begins to fix up the place. Soon hell is a paradise. God gets upsett and calls the devil

God: It can't be so nice down there

Devil: of course it can be.

God: I'm gonig to get a lawyer and--

Devil: Yep, where are you gonna find one of those?
 
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Still In Heaven
If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in Paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
 
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Offer Declined
Police officer: Sorry but I must write you up a speeding ticket.
Guy: Thanks for the offer, but sadly, I must decline, good day.
 
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Close Shave
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.“ The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
 
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Surprise
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"
 
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Time to pray
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night..
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
 
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Guidelines for success

Doctor's son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.

Doctor : Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.
 
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Stockbroker Frog

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"


One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"


The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
 
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